Last night I stumbled across a perfect analogy for relationships. When we date, we are generally happier than when we decide to make a commitment to one person. Things are fun, easy-going, and expectations are relatively low and instead of both parties doing things out of obligation, they do them because they want to and it fuels a healthy exchange and selflessness between two parties that makes us feel like we want to be with the other person and then we end up in the beginning of what is sure to be a long, trying, and methodical relationship.
So I ask, "What changes?" Some would say that it is just over time you lose interest, like a new car the excitement wears off with time. But I would beg to differ. Here is where my genius analogy comes in to play. For those of you who are from the south, you are going to understand, for the rest of you, bear with me, I have a point.
Being "born again" or "saved" are terms used to describe people who have just decided they want to become christians. They usually do this at church where people pray for them and then tell them what it means to be a christian which is this: you can't do the same things you used to do(that is the short version) God is supposed to change you and then you will follow a set of rules(The Bible) as a part of your agreement to join this society. So the newly saved person feels great at the moment, vowing to change and believing that things will be different, better. But what happens when they go out to the real world? They are really no different. They still like the same things they used to, the only difference is now they believe those things are wrong and they turn to trying to suppress who they are to try to follow the rules. Which if you ever tried this you know that leads to being miserable, and eventually you start do the things you still desire, but you hide them from the people who know you have agreed to live by these rules because you are ashamed and feel guilty about feelings that you have had for years. Then you end up like the well known pastors we see on television all the time like Ted Haggard who hid his homosexuality from everyone and then got caught. To think how tormented he must have been the whole time he was carrying on a relationship with another man knowing that he was not only breaking the rules, but "sinning".
We are taught, by whom I have no idea, the rules of relationships early on. The man is supposed to romance the woman, the woman is supposed to cook, clean, and give up the sex regularly. Also both parties are expected to behave in ways that the other thinks is appropriate and of coarse being monogamous. So it is the same as being "born again". You enter into a contract and the expectations are set but you have been single for longer than you have been married and what you did when you are single are very much a part of who you are and signing a paper or agreeing to a contract is not going to change that. It is unnatural. Do I think people change? Yes. Do I think people can be in a committed, monogamous, happy relaitionship? Well yes, but how many people sneak around and do things behind their partner's back? EVERYONE!
So is an open relationship the answer to everyone's problems? Is lifting the "rules" or redefining them I should say, the answer to unmet expectations? I think so, but that is something for individual couples to decide for themselves. But to truly accept someone for who they are which includes their urges and needs, is what I would call true, passionate love. And having someone who can truly be your best friend and partner, being open and honest with yourself first and your partner second is priceless....
How to start an open relationship
Learn the rules for open relationships
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